Wednesday, July 28

 رویای زندگی زیر آب
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اسم من سیبله است ، سیبیله به معنی قطره باران در حال فرود آزاد میباشد.  رویای من هم همجنین  با آب ربط دارد.
 رویای من این است که بتوانم در زیر آب زندگی کنم ، در آنجا نفس بکشم ، بصورت شفاف ببینم ، استشمام کنم، بشنوم بچشم و احساس کنم. تمام روز را در آب  گردش ، شنا و آبتنی کنم و با آب یکی شوم.
من دیگر نمیخوابم نه درشب و نه در روز. میخواهم که هیج فرصتی را از دست ندهم. میخواهم که تمامی این زیبائی  باور نکردنی زیر آب را جذب کنم. این همه رنگهای مختلف را، زرد ، قرمز، بنفش ، سبز ، آبی و قهوه ای. 
حیوانات دریائی که هر طرف شنا میکنند و میخزند. گیاهان دریائی که همراه با ریتم امواج به حرکت در می آیند. من می خواهم که شن های نرم را در لابلای انگشتان پاهایم حس کنم. و در نیمه شب انعکاس نور ماه را در امواج به تماشا بنشینم   و خیره شوم به رقص قطرات باران را که نرم و ملایم بر سطح آب  آهنگ موسیقی مینوازند.
وقتی که من تمام اینها را تجربه کنم به راحتی و بدون ترس و آرامش میتوانم بمیرم. این رویای من است ، رویائی که از آن نمیخواهم بیدار شوم.
من عاشق تصویر موها در زیر آب هستم ، تصویری که  مثل حرکت آهسته در فیلم می باشد.  ایا این تصویرجرخیدن  انسان در زیر آب جاذب نیست؟
  این سبکباری ، این لطافت...، آب پوست آدمی را نوازش میکند، به نظر می آید که آدمی استخوانی ندارد. در این حالت من دیگر وزن خودم  را حس نمیکنم و میتوانم کارهائی انجام دهم که در خارج از آب غیر ممکن میباشد.
ما انسانها نمیتوانیم پرواز کنیم به همین خاطر خواب پرواز را میبینیم. در زیر آب انسان میتواند پرواز کند.
در زیر آب نه ماهی هستم و نه حیوان دیگری ، بلکه یک انسان هستم که برای همیشه در این جهان مهمان میباشد.
برای همیشه مهمان این جهان بودن یک ارج  بزرگی میباشد. و به همین خاطر برای من واضح و روشن میباشد که بایستی خودم با محیط آنجا وفق بدهم و زبان آنها را یاد بگیرم.  من شادیم  را با نگاهم  و اصوات بلند و ایما و اشاره ای حرکات بدن نشان میدهم. من با همه به خوبی رفتار میکنم و با آنها کنار می آم . من برای آنها خطری نیستم و من به آنها گوش میکنم . من به آنها تعلق دارم با وجود اینکه یک زن میباشم.
ارزوی جلب توجه نکردن در تمامی زندگانیم مرا به خود مشغول داشته جونکه در تمام طول زندگیم یک جور دیگری بودم در مقایسه با دیگران . من به دو فرهنگ بسیار مختلف تعلق دارم . من نه خود را در فرهنگ آلمانی و نه در فرهنگ ترک به طور مانوس و آشنا احساس میکنم.  من همیشه انطوری لباس نپوشیدم که مورد جلب چشم هیزچشم جمع  قرار بگیرم . این یک فکر مهیجی  که وقتی کسی نگاه نکند آدمی میتواند در خلوت و اختفا کارهائی فراتر از مرزها را انجام دهد که از ته فلب میل به انجامشان دارد.
در زیر آب بطور کامل به خودم تعلق دارم مثل ان قدیم ها. هیج موجودی مرا نمیشناسد. این احساس خوبی است . هرچند که من موفقیت را دوست دارم اما زمان هائی است که دوست دارم ناشناخته بمانم.  در این زمانها استتار کرده در زیر نقابی که مرا حفاظت میکند به خیابان میروم.
در رویا من همجون ماهی ها، پوستم هویدا است و بدون لباس میباشم . اما من به عنوان برهنه درک نمیشوم ، جونکه در زیر آب ،  بددون لباس بودن امری طبیعی است.  زندگی زیر آب مثل حالت هیپنوتیزیم ،" حالت خلسه"  و "از خود بیخود شدن" میباشد. آدمی افکار را به کناری میگذارد و فقط لذت میبرد. مانند در حال رقص بودن.  در حال رقص من با روحم ساعتها به پرواز دور و درازی رفته ام ،  و ساعتها غیر قابل دسترس بوده ام.   ولیکن  من بطور کامل خودم را احساس میکنم از نوک موههایم تا انگشتان پایم. همزمان همه چیز را پشت سر خود میگذارم و در لحضه زنده حاضر زندگی میکنم.
من همیشه آدم منفرد و مجردی بودم، شاید به خاطر اینکه خواهران و برادران زیادی دارم و از خانواده پرجمعیتی می آیم.  بعضی وقتها حوصله هیچکس رو ندارم و بایستی کاری انجام ندهم و در آرامش خودم به سر ببرم.  بعضی وقتها به آرامش جند روزه احتیاج دارم.  تا ا حساس آرمش و راحتی روحی بکنم.
بدن ما 80 درصد از آب تشکیل شده است . از همان اولین لحظات اول زندگی ، زندگی  ما بیش از هر چیز به آب وابسته است.   در رحم مادری شناور هستیم.  تولد آن زمان آغاز می شود که رحم  پاره شود.
آدم هائی به زندگی خودشان در آب پایان میدهند . انسانها قبل ازاینکه از گرسنگی ازپای بیافتند ، از بی آبی از بین میروند. و وقتی که ما بمیرم ، بدن و پوست ما ما با از دست دادن آب ، خشکیده میشود و تمامی آب ، چون گاز فرار میشود. 
طبیعی است که آب خطرهائی هم با خود به همراه دارد.  هر چه عمیقتر در آب فرود روی ، تاریکتر و سردتر! خطرناکتر میشود. شاید به همین خاطر ترس از آب و احترام نسبت به عظمت و قدرت اقیانوس دارم. 
من در کلاس سوم دبستان بودم که شنا کردن را یاد گرفتم  و قبل از آن استخر را ندیده بودم . اینروزها برای شنا کردن به دریا میروم و در قسمتی از دریا ٍ که  ته آب را بیبینم و در حالت ایستاده  سرم بالای سطح آب قراربگیرد .
من میترسم که غرق بشوم اما وقتیکه در زیر آب زندگی کنم برایم اتفاقی رخ نمیدهد.  ماهی ها مرا همه جا  حمایت خواهند کرد و من هم آنها را .
حتی ماهیهای شکار چی که ماهرانه خودشان را استتار میکنند  مرا دیگر نمی هرسانند.   زیرا که از خطر میتوانم بگریزم زیرا که مانند حیوانان دریائی مجهز به باله شنا مباشم که به راحتی  و سریع میتوانم خودم را جابجا کنم.
اعماق که در حالت عادی از آن ترس دارم ، دررویائم به من بزرگترین اعتماد را میدهد. اینجا زندگی من است.  مرا همیشه آنچیری را که دیده عظمت و احترام نگریسته ام بیش از هر چیز دیگر به سوی خود کشانده است.  از طرفی به ریسک کردن علافه مندم  و از طرف دیگر هیچوقت  مخدرات نشئه آور استفاده نکردم و حتی یک دانه سیگار هم نکشیدم . من هیچوقت مست و خلست نبود ه ام . من به صدای بلند موزیک اعتراض میکنم شاید به همین خاطر جوانهای تی نی جری از من به خاطر شکوایه ام متنفر بشوند.
زندگی من همیشه سریع بوده است . حتی قبل از موفقیت فیلم در مقابل دیوار  هم زندگیم سرعت فوق العاده ای داشت. از بچگی آدم افراطی بودم ، یک چیزهائی را در کوچکی تجربه کردم که  بچه های 12 یا 13 ساله هنوز امتحان نکرده بودند. اما بعد ها وقتی که به سن بلوغ رسیدم بچگانه تر راه خودم را رفتم. اینروزها یک سرعت معمولی را برایم کسل کننده است.  در زیر آب حوصله ام سر نمیرود و احساس کسلی نمیکنم . 
بروس لی یکبار گفت که " مثل آب باش." چه جمله قشنگی . آب به هر شکلی خودش را تطبیق میدهد. بعضی وقتها نرم جون پنبه ، مثل باد نرمی که پوست را نوازش میدهد اما میتواند سخت باشد مثل بتون وفتی که کسی از ارتفاع بلند از آن بالا بالا ها بر آن ضربه وارد کند.
یک زمانی بود که تلاش میکردم به همه حق بدهم .  اما بعد ها روشن شد که هرچه من خودم را طبق میل آن دیگران تنظیم میکنم ، آنها مرا بیشتر رد میکنند. امروز فکر میکنم آن عمل من اتلاف وقت بود.
سیبله کلی در پنجاه و جهارمین فستیوال فیلم برلین به عنوان بهترین هنرپیشه در فیلم در مقابل دیوار جایزه خرس طلائی دریافت کرد.
ترجمه برداشتی یکی از سلسله مقاله "من یک رویا دارم" از هفته نامه آلمانی دی سایت

 


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